How old should your children be before expecting them to move out?
The answer to this will probably vary depending on one’s culture or family values, but internet commentators are harshly judging one couple for wanting their son to move out at the age of 19.
Posting their scenario on Reddit’s “Am I the A**hole” platform, a 45-year-old father has asked whether he and his wife – also aged 45, are wrong for expecting their 19-year-old to move out of their house so they can retire early.
The adult child is the youngest of three.
The father – for ease of reference we’ll call him Jacob – says he and his wife always planned to work hard while they were younger and then retire early.
“Thankfully we've gotten lucky in life, and we're now in a position to do that with our savings. The oldest two kids (aged 22 and 25) have moved out now, and it's just the youngest who still lives at home.”
He explains that they own a four-bedroom home in a more rural area, so it is big and currently empty as only the three of them live in it. The couple’s plan is to sell the house and move to a small place in the city.
“We hope to travel a lot, so we don't need a huge place. We've decided to sell the house in a few months.”
Their last-born, however, is not happy with the plan, especially when he could not convince his parents to take him with them.
“He says it's unfair that his siblings got to live at home until after college, and he has to leave now. We offered to pay first and last [months’ rental] and security on any place he finds, but he thinks a few months’ notice wasn't enough to give him time to move and look for a job.
“I reminded him that he was lucky to have a good childhood with plenty of luxury, and that even paying to get him settled is a kindness. He accused us of prioritising our retirement over his well-being, and said that we're lucky to be able to retire at all. He took it even further, and got his siblings involved.”
Surprisingly, Jacob says, they supported him.
“They think we should either be fair and wait another couple years, or take him with us. When we didn't back down, our daughter said he could fly over to her house to stay there, despite sharing a one bedroom with her partner and our granddaughter.
“I think it's insane that they expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow him to live with us.”
But Redditors do not think the children’s expectation is insane at all.
“They're only giving him 3 months to change his whole life,” says Thatsthetea123.
“His brothers stayed home until 22, he only works part-time and studies online. Three months is not enough, he's going to struggle...They seem so out of touch. They have enough money to retire early then why can't they just take a few small trips for now? Why can't they take him with them? Like... Does it need to be right now? Geesh, poor kid must feel so unwanted.”
Jacob also mentions that his oldest son has now threatened to not allow him and his wife to visit them at his place, when he moves into it. This prompted StrangledInMoonlight to write: “I hope they have a back-up plan. Cause it seems like the kids are about to cut contact.”
Redditor m0rbidc0rvid hopes otherwise: “I kinda hope they don't have a back-up plan because I want to see it all go badly for them.”
PirateyDawn believes the couple “had kids early and are over it”.
“They are ready to be selfish pr*cks and leave their youngest out in the cold so they can see the world. This will bite them in the a**es when they don’t get to be the grandparents they want to be.”
Other commentators questioned the parents’ finances, financial planning skills, and claims that their children grew up in luxury.
Meanwhile, Grant Smee, managing director of Only Realty Property Group, says many Gen Z’s (born from 1997) are opting to live at home during their first few years of employment so that they can save money and eventually buy their own properties. By staying at home for longer, young would-be buyers are giving themselves time to save for a deposit, he says.
Many families, however, charge their adult children rent, in order to prepare them for the real world. This then disrupts youngsters’ aims of saving money to move out and buy their own place.
John Manyike, head of financial education at Old Mutual does not think there is a straight answer on whether adult children should be paying rent while living at home.
“There is no blueprint for what is right and wrong insofar as young people paying rent. Families must do what works for them. Every family is different and should always look at their own circumstances when making such decisions.”
Old Mutual conducts annual studies and reviews on a number of financial-related issues, and recent findings are that it has become “quite common” for young adults – those in their 20s – to still be living at home. Data in 2021 showed that 18% of young adults were living at home or with family members.
There is also the issue of ‘black tax’ that affects Black African families and young adults, he says.
“The family places a responsibility on these young adults to financially support other family members and will not allow them to move out unless they renovate the house first, for example, or educate their siblings. It is even harder for young, unmarried women to move out for this reason.”
While the expectation is that the young adults are now earning a salary and should support their family, this responsibility is even placed on to those who receive NSFAS funding.
“The family does not see where the money is coming from, they just see that the young adult has money and so they should therefore be contributing to the family financially.”
Similarly, Manyike says, the young adults receiving this funding also feel like they cannot let their family go without food when they do have money to buy it.
Farzana Botha, segment solutions manager at Sanlam Savings, says anecdotal evidence shows that a lot of young people seem to have moved back home in recent years, mainly due to job loss or other impacts of the pandemic.
“In 2021, Sanlam Savings surveyed 1200 South Africans about the financial and emotional impact of Covid-19 and the associated lockdowns on South Africans. Through this, we found that...19% were now living with parents or other family members. These individuals were more likely to be between the ages of 18 and 29.”
With South Africa’s high unemployment rate, many young people have been left unable to sustain themselves, especially if they have no emergency savings to speak of, she says.
“You may also find that parents are struggling financially and adult children move back home to help lighten the load – especially in instances where the family home is paid off.”
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